Stay
by whatshapeofinsanity
Summary: Aaron comes to a realization at last - but is it too late?


**An Aaron and Jackson story. Aaron comes to a realization at last - but is it too late? **

**Word Count: 7916**

**Feedback/comments/reviews would be most appreciated :)**

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Stay  
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I push my body on top of his. Into him, letting out a grunt of relief as we join ourselves together. Skin on skin. Our bodies on a collision course until we reach the end, bathed in sheets of sweat as we come together. The palms of my hands resting on the small of his back as I rock my hips. Filling him completely. Showing him no mercy as I fight with every demon racing around in my head. Of wanting this. Needing this. The release. Letting out all my frustrations as I take his body. Pounding at his arse as my cock gets swallowed by him, inch by inch. Until it's rough and brutal. My breath on his skin as our breathing becomes ragged. My teeth biting into the flesh of his succulent neck, drawing that tangy taste of metallic blood as I continue to push my weight down onto his. I'm not even sure if he can take this. If he wants it this hard – there's no feelings there. He could be anyone and right now. I don't even care if he's getting any enjoyment out of it at all as I wrap one of my hands around his neck; he takes one of my long, slender fingers into his mouth and sucks on it wildly, like an animal needing food. I curl my other hand around his huge cock as I begin to wank him off. Feeling it become even harder as I stroke him from base to tip, while never ceasing the attentions I'm giving his arse. I slam myself into him as we moan together, my balls slapping against his cheeks as I feel them heavier, fit to burst and I know I'm nearly there. I close my eyes as I get that feeling I know only too well, not wanting to let go of the frantic movements I'm making as I bend him over further in order to rip back into him, letting out another grunt as he complies and lets me use him like this.

I can't look at him as I cum. My eyes firmly shut as I see 'his' face. As I remember. As I try so desperately to forget. That curly mop of brown hair, that huge grin and smile. The way he used to hold me afterwards, the care, the attention that he gave my body as he almost worshipped every inch of me. Why can't I forget him? Why can't I just walk away? That's what he wants, so it should be easy. He's said it time and time again. What we have isn't a relationship, that we're just mates and I should be out there doing just this. So, why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel like every part of me aches from the sadness of this big void of nothingness? Why does it hurt so fucking much?

I cry out as I cum. Deep inside of him, bathing him with the white, hot evidence of my lust. My chest falling onto his back as we collapse onto the bed together and he climaxes straight after me, over my hand. My fingernails dig into his hips as our heavy breathing echoes all around the bedsit we're in. The springs on the bed, being put under increasing pressure as our aching limbs entwine. My forehead resting in the crook of his neck. I want to reach out to him, the way 'he' always did with me. Envelope his body in my warm arms but something holds me back and I just can't make that contact, take that step. I pull out of him, ripping off the condom as I throw it into the bin beside his bed, letting out a short sigh and exhale as I close my eyes again. All I want is for those images to go away. The euphoric high from doing it never lasts that long. The breathing is returning to normal and that dull ache in the pit of my stomach is still there, like a small animal, festering, wanting to break out of my chest. I actually feel sick with it. Sick with what I've done. Coz what do I do now? Go back to 'him' and give him all the gory details of this encounter. I just want to break free of all of it, make it go away. And yet it never does. All I'm left with is memories. All I can do is hate myself for what I've become. Who I am. For being gay. For wanting Jackson so much that I let him into my life and destroyed his in the process. Because everything he's ever said is right. I caused that accident. I know it and he knows it. The guilt never goes away. Every time I look at him I can see it in his eyes. It should be me that's paralysed – not him.

"You want a drink or something?" Flynn turns to me and smiles goofily, I try to catch his brown eyes but I have to look away, biting my lip as I stoop down to pick up my clothes, shaking my head.

"I just need a cig..." I return.

"So, that's it, is it?" He goes on, his eyes flickering with confusion as I sit on the edge of the bed. I haven't even got the energy to dress myself. I look down at the brown wooden floorboards.

"Eh?" I question.

"You're never gonna let me in are you?" He goes on as I raise my eyebrows, shaking my head again.

"What was that then?" I point to the bed. "I'm not in the mood for fucking cuddles and..."

"That's not what I'm talking about and you know it?" Flynn exclaims, puffing out his cheeks, I see him run his fingers through his dark brown hair, he moves slightly from where he's been sat beside me and my eyes follow him as he gets up and moves to the kitchenette area. My eyes feast on his skinny, naked frame as he opens the fridge and pours himself a glass of water, downing it in one gulp.

"Well, you're gonna have to give me a clue coz I'm not psychic."

"You're here alright. You just fucked the life out of me; I'll give you that..." Flynn goes on as I bring my fingers up to rub at my weary eyes. "But it's like a part of you is somewhere else. You're not really here..."

"You're talking in riddles mate!" I try to deflect.

"It's like wherever we are, every time we have sex or whatever, you're always with him. With Jackson."

I close my eyes again. The anger burning up inside me as I ball my hands into fists, slamming them down onto the white bed sheets. I turn to look at Flynn, which sometimes I can barely bring myself to do. He's nice enough. At times he's a laugh, takes my mind off things and we get on, have quite a bit in common. He's good to look at, can chat shit for ages, which is always a bonus for me, conversations tend to dry up when I'm around, I get bored easily – but with him, it seems to flow. He likes footy and computer games, knows his way around a car engine as well. I fancy him; I admit it and I need that release he gives me. It should be straight forward and easy. The trouble is and at the root of everything, how can you even begin to like someone when you don't like yourself? How can this guy want to be with me? I don't get it. I never got what Jackson saw in me, I can't even begin to fathom this.

I try not to raise my voice but he's beginning to wind me up and press all the wrong buttons. I should bail now. Grab my clothes, head for the door.

"Don't you dare mention his name..." I say, my lip curling up into a snarl.

"So, you admit it then?" Flynn fires back to me as I feel my jaw clench and my cheeks begin to flex, I run the length of my hand along my short, dark stubble.

"I'm not admitting anything!" I snarl. "It's over between me and him, you know that."

"Not in your head it isn't!" Flynn continues. "You might be here, I might get your body but I'll never get close to your heart, will I?"

"What the..." I try to form some words as my eyes burn into his with menace. I mean I'm doing what everyone wants me to do here. I'm fucking moving on. I'm in a new relationship and it takes time alright. I don't need anything else messing with my head. I don't want to be forced to talk about 'feelings' either.

Flynn raises his eyebrows at me in that cock-sure way that first attracted me to him in the first place. All the chat, I thought he had all the answers at first and he smirks at me suddenly, challenging me to say something. To deny what he's just said. But, I can't do that, can I?

I take a sudden movement, grabbing my jeans as I pull them over my legs and start to dress myself. I can't be dealing with this. It's too hard, too raw. I can't bear the thought of talking about 'him'. Of confronting those feelings that I've pushed to the back of my mind and tried to bury deep inside myself.

I turn to face him as I pull my grey jumper over my head, pointing an accusing finger at his face with force.

"You have no idea what you're going on about!" I state as he nods his head casually at me in that knowing way.

"So, you're just gonna leave are you? Until the next time when we have a game of pool, a few drinks, say nothing and end up here again. I don't believe that you don't feel it too. In fact I know you do. I bet it was all you could do to stop yourself calling out his name just then..."

He's starting to cross a very dangerous line with me. The red mist is starting to descend up to the point that I'm finding it really difficult to think straight. I try biting down on my lip. Rolling my tongue around as I fight with everything in me that wants to paint his face all over the walls.

"I should knock you out for that!" I manage to say.

"I'd say go ahead if it's gonna make you feel any better!" Flynn hits back with in a heartbeat. "If it was gonna take away your pain, get him out of your system and free you up to be with me properly but that's never gonna happen is it?"

"You haven't got a clue!" I snarl.

"Aaron, I've been with you. I've seen YOU with him. I know you're in love with him!"

"What?" I spit out the word. "You don't know what you're talking about..."

"And you haven't even got the balls to admit it. You'd just walk away from him coz he's the way he is now using the excuse and get out clause he gave you coz it's easier than actually telling him how you feel..."

I turn to face Flynn. My jaw clenching tightly as I study every detail on his face. He knows. How can he possibly know? I thought that I hid it so well. Seems I can't even lie and do that right. And what the fuck is love anyway? Why do people band that word around like if you say it then suddenly it's gonna cure everything and make everything alright? It won't help Jackson walk again. Get any feeling back in his body. It won't give him an escape from being locked in that glass box, unable to get to any of us. What good is my love to him anyway? He's told me he doesn't want or need me in his life. That we can't be together. What does it matter now, what I say or do or feel about him? We can only ever be mates now. He's said it enough times; it's about the only thing he does say to me, when he isn't talking into that flaming camcorder thing of his.

"You haven't got a fucking clue how I feel..." I mutter tensely. "You think it's that easy..."

"I'm not saying it's easy!" Flynn returns. "But all I want, is for you to at least be honest with me coz we both know this isn't going anywhere."

"Depends on what you want?" I shrug. I'm lost here. Dragging someone else into my fucked up complicated life wasn't the smartest thing to do. I just want something to take the misery away. To make me feel like me again. I need to forget, to move on... but I just can't. Something is holding me back.

"I want to be with you!" Flynn states simply, his deep voice hardly audible amidst the sound of both our beating hearts. I look back up at him briefly. My eyes feel heavy as I fight with my feelings for him. "Just you..." He goes on. "But you're not free are you? We both know that, deep down, there's still unfinished business..."

"It's finished." I butt in.

"You remember when I asked you if you'd still be with me if your ex walked through the door of Bar West?" Flynn continues as I chew on my bottom lip. "You said that was never gonna happen but you can't just turn off your feelings Aaron. You're not free to start anything else, with me or anyone else, not when Jackson still has your heart."

I let out a huge sigh. My shoulders slumping as my exhausted body seems at last ready to admit it. To say it out loud. To vocalize what those feelings are. When I'm not with him, he's all I think about. How he's doing. What he's thinking. I want to be with him all of the time and when I'm not I feel almost bereft. I never thought it was possible to miss anyone that much. I miss him and what we were to each other. I miss how comfortable we were with each other and how he just 'got me' without me having to say a single word to him. He knew when I was close to losing it, when to leave me alone and when to talk. My head aches with the realization and how it's too late. It's always too late. Whatever I say or do now won't make the slightest bit of difference. We can't get back what we once were. I can't rewind time to that day in early October and say those words to him then. Stop him from getting in that van. The truth is; I didn't know then. What was I supposed to do, lie? No one in my life has ever showed me any love I don't know what it is and how to recognise it from others. I told him the truth that night but lost him anyway.

I close my blue eyes as I feel the tears brimming up behind them, I know if I let them fall, before long I'll be sobbing and I can't let Flynn see me like that. It's a sign of weakness but I'm so close to falling apart here.

"Yeah..." I finally let out the word and it comes out as a husky rasp. "Yeah, I love him..." A single tear rolls down my cheek and I quickly bat it away with the sleeve of my jumper as I turn away from Flynn's eye line.

"So, tell him that!"

I shake my head. If only it were that easy. If only I could make everything alright for the both of us now but I can't. And him hearing that from me, like it's suddenly some great epiphany is gonna make things worse. I've never been able to find the words. It's as if we just dance around each other, maybe he's right. Maybe him staying in the village isn't a good idea or maybe it's me that should leave because the damage we're doing to one another might never be able to be repaired. We'll always have the scars.

"I'm sorry!" I manage to choke out to Flynn but he seems like a weight has been lifted, he's up off the bed now, dressing himself, being that cool, confident lad that first strolled up to me with his 'quid stays on' line. He buckles up his belt and smiles at me and again I'm still torn because I should want to be with him but there's something missing. Something that should be there from the start or else what's the point in even trying?

"Tell him that!" Flynn repeats as I get up, grabbing my leather jacket, I head for the door, "Oh and Aaron..."

I turn to take one final look at him as his eyes bore into mine. "If you ever feel like using me for sex again..." He attempts to joke as I take a deep breath, my mind a whirlwind of possibilities.

"Then, it's fine." He whispers. "You've got my number..."

I stare back at him almost in disbelief but he just smiles back at me and I falter for a moment. My hand gripping onto the doorknob so tightly as I leave Flynn behind.

I don't know what I'm doing here. Why I'm hammering on the door at 4am in the morning. My fist beating so hard on the door of Dale Head, I'm in danger of waking half the village up. It's raining. I'm soaked to the skin. But I don't care. Because this can't wait. I need to see him.

'Alright... alright... blimey...' I hear Hazel's annoyed tone ring out, as light switches are flicked on and she puts the key in the lock in order to open the door. 'Aaron...!' She looks at me the way she always does – with disappointment but I don't care. Her angry eyes fuse into mine as she wraps her dressing gown around her large frame and she looks fierce, like she did the first time I met her, when she wouldn't let me get a word in edgeways. She's so larger than life. Bubbly Hazel they call her down at the church where she gives those art classes; always got a smile and a word of encouragement for everyone but since October, the stuffing has been knocked out of her. She doesn't laugh like she used to, she doesn't trust like she used too either.

'I...' I stutter as I look back at her. This could get difficult. The last time I saw her was in the Woolie a few days ago. She called me selfish and uncaring for bringing Flynn to the village. Told me Jackson was worth ten of me. And who was I to argue with her? She was right. You can't argue with the truth sometimes. I dragged Flynn out of there before taking out my frustrations on his girlie car door.

'What the hell do you think you're doing?' She explodes. 'I thought the flamin' village was on fire again... do you know what time it is? Or in your little world is turning up on someone's doorstep at 4am in the morning acceptable! Still coming from you I should expect it really!'

'Mum...?'

I hear his voice and suddenly nothing else matters, I completely ignore Hazel, barging straight past her in order to see him.

'Oh, I don't think so!' Hazel carries on as she follows me, pointing her finger at me angrily as she tries to grab hold of me to keep me back from seeing him but I'm determined.

'It's ok.' Jackson states as he stares at me. His deep brown eyes burning into me intensely as his long eyelashes frame his face that always seems too absorbed in sadness these days.

'Jackson...!' Hazel tries again. "You do know what time it is? You need your rest!"

"I've hardly got a busy schedule tomorrow, have I?" Jackson goes on. "Nothing to get up for..." He attempts to joke and his voice cracks as I walk around his bed, my hands draped nonchalantly on my hips as I wait for his mum to leave us alone.

'Really mum, its fine...' He presses, his eyes connecting with mine again, like they're two magnets that will only ever hold on to each other and my stomach suddenly feels funny. Like it's doing somersaults and my heart is beating so loudly and fast, I'm sure you can hear it. I try to wrap my arms around myself but the rain has made my clothes stick to me, I'm shivering and shaking and my teeth are chattering together but all I feel from him is warmth, just like I always do.

Hazel looks at me, then him, shaking her head, before wrapping her dressing gown around herself and storming upstairs muttering away to herself in frustration.

I exhale deeply and look at Jackson, and he knows. Somehow he always just seems to know when I need him... when I need to talk... when I need that push to open up... even if sometimes it doesn't always bring the answers he wants or needs to hear.

'So go on...' He says calmly as we hear Hazel's door slam firmly shut and we know we're alone.

'What?' I bat back.

I sit down on the bed and I can't speak. I can't find the words. My mouth is dry and I feel sick.

'Look at the state of you...' He replies raising his eyebrows.

I look down at the bed covers. God knows what state I'm in. I know I've been crying. I'm good at that. It's funny for someone who's supposed to be this hard man I do a fucking lot of crying. I never make anything easy. And this should be shouldn't it? It's just eight letters, three little words, one meaning. So why is it so fucking hard? Allowing myself to be that vulnerable. Laying it all on the line like this. I don't do that. I've never let anybody get this close to me before. Let them get under my skin. Allow them a place inside my heart, because that's when you can let people _really_ hurt you. When you let them close, the minute you start to care – they leave you. They walk away.

What was it I said?

'_I'm 18 I don't wanna fall in love...'_

And I was so sure it could never happen. It wasn't about love. Because I hated myself too much to ever allow that to happen.

'_At some point you're gonna fall in love Aaron, you can't stop yourself.'_

I run my hands over my shaved head as Paddy's words ring in my ears. That sentence haunts me now. Because he was right.

I never knew it was happening.

It just did.

'Aaron...?' Jackson's voice jolts me back into the room. Back into the here and now. Back to where I want to run away from again but I know I have to do this.

'I'm sorry...' I mumble.

'For what?'

'This... turning up like this... it was stupid...'

'Well I'm not gonna argue with that... most people tend to call round and see me during daylight hours.' He jokes. 'Still been a while since I had a bloke in my bed... so I guess I can pass up my beauty sleep for that.'

'Don't.' I stop him. I don't need that. I don't need his typical humour and sarcasm.

'Don't what?' Jackson asks his brow furrowing with confusion.

'Don't do that... don't joke about it...'

'Aaron it's the only thing I can do, if I didn't I'd just go insane, and I've been there... trust me this way is easier.'

'Yeah...' I question, as I glare at him angrily. 'Easier for who?'

'That's not fair!'

'Who said any of this was fair?' I don't know where any of this is coming from. I didn't want to get mad, to get into a fight. But he was the one who started all this. By pushing me away. When all I wanted to do was stay. He was the one forcing me to move on. To go out. Meet other people. It was what everybody told me to do. Me mam, Paddy... nobody ever stopped and listened to me, to what I wanted.

'You know Aaron, why don't you stop pretending this is about me and tell me what the real problem is, coz it sure as hell isn't about this.'

'Forget it...' I mumble, looking down at my hands, trying to avoid his intense stare.

'No, you can't do that! You can't turn up here; and just...' Jackson raises his voice.

'It's about you!' I shout cutting him off. 'It's about you splitting up with me and telling me it was for my own good when nobody can be that much of a fucking saint! It's about forcing me to go out, making me meet someone else. It's about making me realise that he'll never be you, that he's not what I want. It's about making me realise that I'm in...' I stop as I realise what I came too close to blurting out. I can't tell him. Not like this. 'It just... it isn't fair...'

'You really want to talk about fair?' Jackson shouts back angrily. 'Look at me... really look at me and then talk to me about fair!'

I close my eyes as I exhale deeply. What am I doing? Why am I taking my guilt at being with Flynn out on Jackson?

Why after everything that he's done for me. I know why he split up with me. Can even understand why he did it in a way. He was right when he said I didn't need reminding of how bad things were for me back when we first met. It was a dark place to be. Inside my head. I was still in denial. Still hating myself. I didn't want to admit to being gay. I would have rather been dead back then than talk about 'boyfriends'. It was like I said to Paddy; I didn't want to be part of that freak show. To be in a relationship with another man – to walk down the street holding hands. It was never gonna happen. I was gonna fight it and not give in to those feelings. But he, Jackson, he opened my eyes to so much. He showed me what life could be like and for the first time when I was with him, I didn't feel scared or ashamed. I began to accept who I was. And yes, it was a slow process. I'm still not completely happy with it. But it's all down to him. I've tried so many times to tell him, tell him that I didn't want to be 'set free' that I was ok with being with him and I didn't need any of that other stuff. I even went on the internet and found out what he could do, ways I could please him and Joe helped with that. But I could never find the words, could never tell him that I needed him as much as he needed me.

But I meant every word I told him when I said he was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Because he changed my whole life. Totally. Irreversibly.

And now I know why.

_My whole life waiting for the right time to tell you how I feel._

"I'm sorry!" I try again, my voice cracking with every ounce of pent up emotion that I have in my body.

"You always are Aaron!" Jackson hits back with. "Doesn't change anything though, does it?" His eyes close for a brief moment as I look down at his bare arm. I know if I touch him, he won't feel it. I want to reach out to him, tell him that I feel so lost without him, that I get it now. It's become clear to me.

"So, was that it? All you came to say?" He goes on as I take another deep breath.

"Do you really wanna know what I came here to say?" I challenge. "I mean, are you actually going to listen this time or are you gonna push me away again because you might not like it?" I question as Jackson lets out another sigh.

"Where were you tonight?" He butts in, totally throwing me and knocking the wind from my sails.

"What?" I throw back as he grimaces.

"With him were you? Flynn?" He asks matter of factly.

"That's what you want isn't it?" I shoot back at him. "You wanna know what we did as well? You want all the details? Wanna know how fucking good he is? How his lips feel on my skin. You want me to tell you how many marks out of ten I give him or do you wanna know that however hard he tries he's never gonna be you and you wanna know why, do you?"

I shout; fighting back the tears as I feel them burn up behind my blue eyes. I look at Jackson as the tears fall down my cheeks and I blink them back, wiping them away with one of my hands as his brown, saucer eyes stare back at me. I brush my hand over his arm and then lean forward a little bit, so my hand and fingers can make contact with his forehead, so I know he can feel that as I stroke the top of his head, softly.

It's now or never.

I try to remember how to breathe as my clammy hands and dry mouth betrays me. I bite down on my lip hard as my whole body shakes and I shiver.

"It's because..." I mouth the words as I feel them leaving me. "Because I'm in love with you..."

_Coz I know this love seems real... but I don't know how to feel._

The voice coming from my throat... my own voice doesn't even sound like me. Time seems to stand still as I watch Jackson's eyes closely. I can see the wet tears brimming up behind them as he tries hard to hide the emotion that's creeping across his face, as he blinks back the tears. I try to calm my racing heartbeat but I'm fighting a losing battle. I just want him to hold me. How fucking screwed up is that? That I want his comfort. For him to tell me everything's gonna be alright.

"Oh... I get it..." Jackson finally lets out. "You've been talking to mum, right, what's she said?"

"What... I..." I try to form some words as my voice cracks again and I look down to the bed sheets again, moving my hand away from Jackson's brow as I look back at his reflection.

"She promised she wouldn't say anything, but no, she always has to stick her nose in, bet she showed you the tape as well, didn't she?"

"I've just told you that I lo..." I can't even say it again, my face blushes and I feel a redness sweep to my cheeks. "And you don't care?" I question sadly. The tears beginning to free fall down my cheeks now, uncontrollably. This is a big thing for me. I've never told anyone this before.

"Yeah but why, that's what I'm asking?" Jackson goes on and his voice is almost mocking me now and I want to scream.

"I thought that's what you wanted?" I throw back another question to him.

"You have no idea!" He mutters as he lets the tears fall.

"Then... what...?" I try to fathom his reaction. I knew I was too late. That I wouldn't be able to stop him leaving the village and my life. Jackson had mentioned that he was thinking about leaving. One night; when I'd gone to see him, he'd asked me about Flynn, most of our conversations were about him. We'd skirt around the issue... me not wanting to talk about it but Jackson insisting we had to face it if it wasn't going to be weird... this time though he told me he was thinking of going to stay with his dad for a while. I couldn't understand that. Not when he'd been so adamant he wasn't going to stay there... ever. I asked him if it was because of Flynn, he said it wasn't, we just both needed a clean break, a chance to get on with our lives. Him to rebuild his and me to find love again.

And me being me, I just... accepted that. Never questioned it, just bottled it up and went back to Flynn. I ignored the aching feeling in the pit of my stomach that was eating me up inside.

"It's what I used to want more than anything!" Jackson goes on, letting out a short exhale before another sob. "I used to lie in hospital after it first happened and hope for it. For you to feel something that you just don't. You can't force people to fall in love with you, Aaron; I've learnt that one the hard way!"

I can't do anything but look at him. My head hurts... it physically hurts. This never ending circle we keep finding ourselves in has finally defeated me. I thought Jackson's dad had done that. Before I went to Flynn's I'd bumped into Jerry in the village. He told me exactly what he thought of me. How I disgusted him, how I wasn't good enough for his son and never would be. I was about as useless to him as his legs – he said that, can you believe that? And he was glad Jackson was finally making an effort to get away from me.

I thought that that had beaten me.

But this. This is worse. Because I can't fight this one. I don't even know where to start.

'No-one forced me...' I whisper. The words sound pathetic as they ring in my ears. Why am I not trying harder here?

Jackson looks at me and scoffs and I'm taken right back to that moment, just before he told me he loved me. I was so pissed off with him. So angry. And I couldn't deal with it so I ran. But I'm not running away this time.

'No-one forced me.' I repeat it louder this time, through gritted teeth. All my life I've been a fighter. I'm not about to give up now.

'They're just words Aaron.'

'Not to me they're not.'

'You said it yourself... you can't love anybody... you're incapable...' Jackson taunts.

I close my eyes. And it's like that night in October all over again. Stood in the middle of that road. In the dark. I don't want to relive that moment.

'_I'm not used to people giving a damn about me and I don't know how to give one back… let alone love someone. And I don't know if I ever will… because who's ever going to want to be with someone like me?'_

What is it with my words always coming back to haunt me? But I told him the truth. Because that's how I felt back then. Surely that was the right thing to do? He made me promise to always be straight with him. And that is something I have never let him down on. That is the one thing I can truthfully say I have always been.

When it matters. In the end. I am always brutally honest.

'Ok, you want the truth? You really want the truth? Because you know me Jackson, you know I can't lie to you... I never could!'

He looks away from me, like I've touched a nerve or something? But I'm not letting this one go. For once he is going to listen to everything I have to say!

'Whatever you said to that fucking camcorder is between you and the camcorder! I'm not telling you this because it's what you want to hear. You know me. I don't do anything I don't wanna do...'

I can't help but smile as a tiny grin creeps onto Jackson's face. We both know I've said that before. I shake my head as I take a shaky breath. 'I'm telling you this because it's the truth. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out and I'm sorry I couldn't say it six months ago... but I know now... for sure... I love you.'

He turns his head back to look at me and we lock eyes. I need him to know. To really know that I'm not lying about this. It's not something that's been easy. Finally realising just how much he means to me. But now I know I'm not going to waste anymore time fighting it.

Life's too short.

I reach my hand out to stroke his cheek, to run my fingertips along his stubble on his jaw line.

He closes his eyes as he sighs contently. Just enjoying the feel of my skin on his. It lasts a few seconds before he opens his eyes and he looks at me.

'Do you wanna know what I said... to the tape?' He asks.

'Do you wanna tell me?' I return. I know I'm not going to want to hear it.

'I said more than anything... all I wanted was for you to walk through the door and to tell me that you loved me...'

'I do... I have...' I interrupt. Wherever this conversation is going I know I need to stop it.

He moves his head away from my touch as he carries on.

'And all I want to do is to be able to get up from this bed and to hold you... but it's not gonna happen. It can never happen. Because _this_ is it Aaron. This is my life now... and it's too late.'

"No, it isn't!" I say, my voice hardly breaking through the fog of intensity that's surrounding us. And the three words that I once found so hard to say flow straight out of my mouth like they're the most natural things in the world. 'I love you...'

"I love you too Aaron!" Jackson begins as the huge lump that's been forming deep within my throat subsides and I try desperately to gulp back some air. His deep brown eyes are piercing right into me and I can hardly breathe. I can hardly do anything but look at him and hope, wish, pray that this could work between us. That I can fix this, heal him.

"With all my heart..." Jackson goes on. "I'll never, ever forget you. You crash landed into my life and it's been a train wreck ever since..." He attempts a smile as I fight back tears. "But... this... us..." His eyes motion at the space between us. "It can never work. If we're totally honest with each other, even if we love each other, it can never work. Because I know you deserve more and I love you too much to stop you from going out there and experiencing that. The chance to have a full life; be with someone properly..."

"I don't want any of that..." I whisper tensely. "I just... all I want is you!"

"And you expect me to keep you here, all to myself?"

"Why not, if that's what I want?" I question, the tears brimming and beginning to fall once more.

"Because one day, you're gonna wake up and wonder where your life has gone as well, all the places you could have gone, people that passed you by and I can't be the one that stops you living Aaron – this happened to me alright, me. And I have to deal with it. On my own, away from the village and without you!"

"I don't want you to go!" I sob.

"I have to!" Jackson exclaims. "Don't you think that I don't want to take you back again, try and live a normal enough life with you and for us to take what comfort we can get from each other? I want that more than anything, I really do. But you know you need more, Flynn has taught us that at least!"

"No..." I shake my head.

"And part of me even thinks ok, I'll let you go off to Bar West or wherever, pull some hot guy every couple of weeks as long as you come home to me. I've thought about it..." Jackson raises his eyebrows. "But seeing you... with 'him', knowing that he was the one that was laughing with you, holding you, getting to touch you, kiss you – it was killing me, Aaron, deep inside. I might have a broken body but the damage that was doing to my heart was beyond fixing; believe me!"

"I'm sorry..." I mutter.

"Don't be!" Jackson returns. "I was the one that pushed you into it, told you to get out there, meet new people. I just wasn't prepared for how much that would hurt!"

"It hurt me too!" I say; my defences all falling down around me. I've never felt this vulnerable, this exposed before. "I just want to be with you, I need you!"

"No you don't!" Jackson replies. "You've come a long way since we first met, not as angry, in denial, you don't kick off as much... I like to think that was my influence, you're gonna make someone a really good boyfriend one day!"

I can't say anything as Jackson's face crumbles. His lips quiver and shake as he breaks down. Heavy sobs leaving his mouth as the tears stream down his cheeks. We lock eyes and I know. I just know, this is it. There's no changing his mind or going back.

This is goodbye.

I press one of my hands down onto the white bed sheets to where he's laid as I move the whole of my body closer to his, leaning down on him as I loop my other hand around his neck to steady myself. I bring my lips to rest on his. The wetness of both our cheeks combining our tears as I press my mouth to kiss him. What starts as a very slow, tentative kiss soon erupts into passion as Jackson opens his mouth to grant my tongue access and they dance together in sweet harmony. Building to a crescendo as they rotate and slide together. I relish and enjoy the taste of him. Breathe in the pure masculine scent of the man I love, never wanting to break the contact. Never wanting this kiss to end – but we know it has to. We know it can never lead us to where we want it to. Not anymore. I pull my lips away from his slowly, gradually, rubbing my nose with his as I struggle to keep my breathing at its normal rate. I want him to feel this and know how much it means to me as I find myself climbing onto the bed to position myself beside him. Stroking his face tenderly, revelling in the touch of his soft beard as I put my arms around him and snuggle up to his face. Planting another short kiss on his cheek as I close my eyes.

"We could have been so good together you and me..." I hear Jackson sigh as I blink back more tears.

"So good..."

The red and orange of sunlight creeps through the curtains as I find myself waking. My eyes creeping open slowly as daylight seeps in through the window and I look down to my wrist to check the time. I can hear Jackson breathing beside me. His chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm as he sleeps and dreams. He once told me that it was the only time he ever got any real peace these days – when he was sleeping. He could allow his active mind to forget and dream and imagine a life where his body wasn't broken. Where he was free to be the Jackson that he was before that train hit his van. I asked him what he dreamt of.

"Being an astronaut!" He joked; rolling his eyes a little bit, that typical flicker of Jackson humour and sarcasm lacing his words. "I always wanted to fly to the moon you know?" He went on. "But more than anything, what I dream about when I close my eyes, when it's dark and I'm here all on my own, locked inside my own head. I dream about being a builder, being out there in the sunshine, watching my hot boyfriend fixing some old banger his boss has just picked up on the cheap. I dream about us. Aaron and Jackson, just being together, living a life. It was never gonna be easy or flashy and we'd fight and argue coz that's just the way we are – polar opposites, you and me. But as long as we had each other, I reckon we would have been alright..."

I close my eyes as I remember that story. My chest feeling tight again as more tears threaten to fall from my already wet and tense eyes. I thought I was spent in that department – gone. Devoid of all emotion with nothing else to give. Seems I was wrong. What's that saying? 'If you love someone, let them go and if they don't come back, they were never really yours in the first place?' It seems really apt here as I manage to quietly climb off the bed, making sure that I don't make any noise to wake him. He looks so peaceful, a small smile is even creeping across his thin lips. I wonder what he's dreaming of right now?

I can't fight the tears that fall down my cheeks like raindrops as I stand by Jackson's bed for a few brief moments, trying to gather my thoughts and the strength to walk away. I lean down to him as I tower above him, breathing in the scent that is so very 'him' and holds so many familiar memories for me as I brush my lips onto his forehead. Kissing him gently as I feel the warmth of his skin on mine and I can't help but cry. I let out a short sob as I break the contact as I watch his eyelashes flicker gently.

"Goodbye mate!"

I whisper to him as my lips shake and I try to pull myself together. I walk round his bed one last time, before exhaling again, puffing out my chest as I take a deep breath. I walk to the front door of Dale Head, taking small steps until I can turn the lock to leave. It's chucking it down with rain still, as daylight breaks but there is a tinge of light as the sun is trying so desperately to break on through.

I close my eyes as I begin to take those steps. As I begin to walk away.

_I wonder if you know how it feels to let you go._


End file.
